Satisfaction Through Calefaction

Crazy Busy (or just crazy)

2011-09-01T22:13:00.000-04:00

One of the reasons I stopped posting regularly was because I took a new job that involves a whole lot more hours than my previous job. The company is huge... and the atmosphere is very conservative. And although I enjoy the work, my personal life has become almost non-existent. Besides the long hours, my boss pushes employees to further their education as much as possible and to give back to the community through volunteerism. I shouldn't complain though, there seem to be many people who wish they could find a job, any job. So although I'm busy, I also feel pretty lucky. Hopefully better things will come from my hard work...

long time, no post

2011-08-08T21:05:00.000-04:00

Wow, I can't believe how long it's been since I've posted anything on here. So many things have changed since my last post, but many things are the same.

I've missed writing on here. But more than that, I've missed reading the other blogs I follow. I don't know if anyone will read this... if anyone even "follows" my blog anymore. But I hope to stick around and catch up on what's been going on with all of you.

Around

2010-11-09T06:19:00.001-05:00

So, I haven't been blogging as much lately, I've actually been trying to stay away from certain sites for a little while to see if that would help me with some of what I've been struggling with. It turns out that I don't really know myself very well... I think I've mentioned in several posts that I'm not a very jealous person. But it appears that I am. Maybe it's just insecurity. Or insanity. It's hard to say. There's actually no justification or solid reasoning for feeling the way I feel. I'm completely irrational at times. And I don't have anyone to blame but myself. I'm frustrated.

Possible Solution

2010-10-27T21:33:00.000-04:00

In my last post, I talked about the offer I received from someone I used to work with. He needs a date this Friday and he's willing to pay me to go along. I still haven't given him an answer. I figured I would think on it for one more night.

I think I might go but tell him that he doesn't have to pay me. My thinking here is that him knowing that I'm not "being paid" to be there will remove any ideas that he may have about receiving "extra" services. And I just really don't feel comfortable taking money from him for something like this.

I also think it could be good for my career to get a chance to meet some of the people he'll be mingling with. I'm nowhere near their levels, but it couldn't hurt to network a little.

My biggest concern over the whole situation is that people might make assumptions about me based on the fact that I associate with him at all. He really is such a tool. But he's also very good at what he does. And that's all that most people seem to care about.

Whore

2010-10-27T04:29:00.001-04:00

I don't think I've mentioned this before, but I recently lost my job (the one that I worked to support myself). The company I worked for has now closed down. I haven't really found anything else yet. I could work part time teaching yoga, which I guess I'll probably do soon. But my elbow still hurts so much when I do certain positions. I can still teach, it just isn't very enjoyable. And honestly, the pay sucks. I never really taught for the money anyway.

I got a call from a former colleague yesterday. He's a slimeball. But he asked me if I would attend a business function with him this weekend. It's fairly important that he makes a good impression on the people he's meeting with, so I understand his dilemma. He's not the most likable guy. Honestly, the only redeeming quality about him is that he recognizes that he's a pig.

Anyway, he asked me to be his date and offered to pay me. Normally, I would have hung up on someone who propositioned me in such a way. But he offered to pay me a surprising amount of money. And the cash would really come in handy right now. So I said I would think about it. I need to let him know very soon though, because the event is this Friday.

Sexting Fun

2010-10-26T13:03:00.000-04:00

The last poll I posted asked if you send naughty pictures to your partner's cell phone. The responses were...

Yes. Quite often. 5 (20%)
From time to time. 15 (62%)
No way. I'd never. 4 (16%)

I send pictures to C fairly often. I never thought I'd do something like that. It is fairly risky... if those pictures got into the wrong hands they could potentially cause some problems for me. Unlike the pictures I post on here, some of the pictures I send to him include my face. However, I trust him not to ever reveal my pictures to anyone else. If someone else were to ever see them, it would probably be my fault... I misplace my phone from time to time. I try to be more careful now that there's a whole bunch of naughty stuff on there. ;)

Comparisons

2010-10-23T00:21:00.000-04:00

There's something that I've been thinking a lot about recently. And I'm not sure what to make of it. It seems like in every relationship I've ever been in, I end up feeling jealous or insecure or something along those lines. And it's always because I compare myself with the person's other or previous partners.

Not just physically, though. The main thing that gets to me is knowing that I'm treated differently than they would or would have treated the other person. And although I may not have a ton of relationship experiences, I can say for certain that this has happened in every single one I've been in.

I don't really think that my partners were the ones making mistakes or doing something wrong. I'm pretty sure it's me and how I look at these things. Most of the things I'm referring to are petty and silly and not worth even thinking about. And yet I find myself obsessing over these little things. It's so frustrating and I really wish I could find a way to stop.

I also wish I was sleepy. :)

Homework

2010-10-21T08:16:00.000-04:00

C often assigns me homework to complete. I love it because it makes me feel closer to him when I know I'm doing something that he wants me to do. And I like to know he's thinking of me doing whatever naughty (or nice) thing he asks of me. Today I'm not allowed to wear panties.

I was just sitting here on the sofa when I realized that I hadn't taken any HNT pictures this week. So below is a picture of me being lazy. If you click on the picture, you'll see proof that I'm being a good girl for C.

I hope you have a very Happy Half-Nekkid Thursday!

My Jealousy

2010-10-15T11:57:00.000-04:00

Today's formspring question was...

"Do you really never get jealous that your Dom is with other women?"

I don't know if I've ever said that I never get jealous. And to be completely honest, I'm not sure whether or not I experience actual jealousy. I've always had trouble figuring out what emotions I'm feeling, especially negative ones. Maybe that's weird, I don't know.

I did a little research on the definition of jealousy... it's an emotion that "typically refers to the negative thoughts and feelings of insecurity, fear, and anxiety over an anticipated loss of something that the person values, such as a relationship, friendship, or love." I guess that sometimes I worry that I might lose C, that he'll decide he doesn't want me anymore, or that I'll disappoint him in such a way that our relationship will come to an end.

But that's generally not what's going through my head when I'm feeling insecure. I think a better term for what I feel is envy... which "occurs when a person lacks another's (perceived) superior quality, achievement, or possession and either desires it or wishes that the other lacked it." Sometimes I wish I was more like the other people in his life... It's hard to explain. But sometimes I compare myself to them. And when I do that I end up feeling less confident about my own relationship with him.

I'm not sure if I'm making any sense here at all. But it was an interesting question and so I thought I'd try to answer it. I probably do experience jealousy from time to time... little twinges of it, especially when I'm really missing him. But I don't really think there's anything wrong with that. I experience lots of emotions, some positive and some negative. I think that's probably pretty normal, right? If there is such a thing as "normal."

Clamps

2010-10-14T13:31:00.000-04:00

Since I was so busy last week, I didn't get a chance to post any HNT pictures. Below are the clamps that C gave me while he was in town. As I mentioned in my last post, I sent him a little picture of me wearing them after I took a shower yesterday. If you click on the picture below, you'll get to see (part) of that picture as well.

Had to cover the nips or it wouldn't have been a "half-nekkid" picture, right? ;) Hope you're having a Happy Half-Nekkid Thursday!

Sore Nipples

2010-10-13T20:39:00.000-04:00

While C was in town, he gave me a pair of nipple clamps. We never got a chance to play with them much, so today I decided to send him a picture of me wearing them.

They're adjustable and fairly easy to use, but it still took me a while to get them on since I don't have much experience with things like that. Once they were on (and not too tight) they actually felt pretty good.

After taking a picture and sending it to his BlackBerry, I played with myself and had a pretty amazing orgasm. I kept thinking about him sliding into me as he teased my nipples. You have no idea how much I miss the feeling of him inside me.

I'm not sure how long I was wearing the clamps. But almost immediately after I took them off... my nipples began to feel like they were on fire. They're still kinda sore. I'm not sure if I had the clamps on too tight or if I left them on too long or what. :(

I still like them a lot, though. And I definitely want to wear them again, as soon as my nipples aren't so sensitive.

Just a phone call

2010-10-12T07:29:00.000-04:00

Last night I had the chance to talk to C on the phone for a while. We'd talked a couple times since he left, but not for very long. I love talking with him and just hearing his voice. It always makes my day a little brighter. He's so understanding when it comes to my moods and thoughts... and he really helps me put things in perspective.

They were celebrating Thankgiving up there in Canada yesterday, but it got me thinking about all of the things I'm thankful for. And I'm definitely thankful for him.

Just a t-shirt

2010-10-10T20:57:00.000-04:00

Do you ever wish you could just stop thinking for a little while?

C was in town this past week. It was so great to finally see him again. But I miss him already, and it's hard to say when we'll see each other again.

Before he left, he gave me one of his t-shirts to sleep in. I often have trouble sleeping, but having something of his to sleep with has been really nice.

I hate that I can't stop thinking about certain things, though. And I hate that I get so emotional. I wish my mind didn't work this way. I hate listening to my own thoughts.

But sometimes I hate listening to other people's thoughts more. Earlier today, someone asked me what it was like knowing that he probably went home and made love to his wife after being with me.

I didn't really know what to say. I try not to think about all that.

I don't know. Maybe I'm stupid. I know he probably means more to me than I do to him. But I've really enjoyed our times together. It is what it is. It won't ever be anything more. We never said it would be.

Spanking or Cuddling?

2010-10-05T03:21:00.009-04:00

C will be in town for a few days this week. I'm so excited. It feels like it's been forever since we've been together. We had a really tough time making our schedules work so that we could spend some time together.

I've been thinking about him constantly of course. And once we finally had a date set for him to be in town I started fantasizing about so many different things that we moght do while he's here. But the two things that I think of the most are being spanked by him and cuddling with him.

I thought it was kinda funny that those two things are what I'm thinking of most often. Because they're such different experiences. I don't know if we'll definitely do both of those things while he's in town, but I'm assuming we will. And I sure hope I'm right. ;)

But honestly, just getting a chance to see him in person would be enough. I can't wait.

Coffee

2010-10-02T04:47:00.006-04:00

I thought I'd write about an experience that I had with C over a month ago. It was just a small little thing, but it's something that I still think of from time to time, so I thought I'd share it with you.

I'd been up late working at the coffee shop. I still had a little more to get done, but I wasn't planning on being out much later. C and I were texting back and forth occasionally. I sent him one as I was waiting in line, again, to get something to drink and said... "Can't decide if I should get more coffee."

His response was "No more coffee, baby. Have some water." And I bought a bottle of water. As I was sitting down in front of my laptop I realized I'd just let him make a decision that I normally wouldn't let anyone make for me. Now, I know it's not a big deal, really... it's just a beverage, right? But, really, our D/s relationship has always been strictly sexual. He doesn't control any other aspects of my life. I may go to him for advice on things from time to time, but he doesn't tell me what to do with my life.

And I'm not saying that he was trying to do that here, to take more control than I wanted him to. It was just weird to realize that I followed his command without even thinking about it. It didn't offend or annoy me as it would have if anyone else had said the same thing.

Not sure what to make of all that, or if it really means anything at all. Just something that's been floating around in my head. *shrugs*

Over & Done

2010-10-01T12:11:00.001-04:00

Today's formspring question was...

What ever happened with those two women you were seeing?

Things ended with both of them a few months back. I found it really difficult to juggle a relationship with two people at the same time. And it felt like there was a constant struggle to keep things balanced. None of us were looking for the same things, and in the end I think it was a fairly mutual decision between the three of us to end the relationships. Unfortunately, I've been unable to maintain a close friendship with either of them, which has been hard because I was especially close to one of the women before we all became involved romantically. I hope that one day we'll be able to get past everything and be good friends like we once were, but I'm not holding my breath.

A Lifetime

2010-09-28T02:31:00.006-04:00

Do you think love can last a lifetime?

That was the question I asked in last week's poll. The answers were:

Yes, of course. 13 (65%)

Maybe... 5 (25%)

No. 2 (10%)

I'm not sure whether or not I believe that love can truly last a lifetime. I suppose it may be possible for some people. But it seems like people fall in and out of love so easily. Relationships start and end, and even if they last a long time, they may not last forever. And just because a couple has been together for a very long time, that does not necessarily mean that they love or are in love with one another. I have so many friends who are "happily married" and yet their actions and sometimes even their words lead me to believe that they can't possibly love their spouse.

But I guess I'm probably not the best person to be commenting on the topic of love. I have little experience with it myself.

Good News & Bad News

2010-09-24T01:22:00.002-04:00

So, I know I usually answer a formspring question on Fridays, but I don't feel like it so I'm going to write about some other stuff. :)

Good news: C will be coming down to visit next month. Which is super exciting. There's a little clock on the right of the page counting down until the moment he arrives.

Bad news: I haven't been able to sleep without having nightmares for weeks now. And they've been absolutely horrible lately. No matter what I do. Every single night. I'm getting next to no sleep. I'm exhausted. I can't seem to stay focused on anything for very long. And I'm cranky.

The dreams are more intense than they've been in a while. Sometimes it's like I know I'm dreaming but I can't wake up, and then other times I wake up and can't tell if I'm really awake or if I'm still dreaming. And my mind keeps wandering all day, and all night. I'm just so tired of this. I wish I could make them go away.

The only solution I've come up with is to stay awake, until I'm so physically exhausted that I pass out or something. That's the plan for now. Maybe if I get tired enough, my brain won't be able to function enough to create these nightmares. And maybe then I can get some rest. This is probably an absurd idea, but I'm going with it because I just don't know what else to try at this point. *sighs*

Half Price

2010-09-23T01:11:00.001-04:00

I went shopping for some new clothes for the fall and decided to snap a picture in the dressing room. The first one I took was of me in a skirt and top, but then I realized that I wasn't "half-nekkid" so I slid off the skirt... click below to see my new shirt. Happy Half-Nekkid Thursday! :)

I'm not cheap, but I'm on sale this week. ;)

Sharing with friends

2010-09-21T13:28:00.017-04:00

Last week's poll asked: Do you share info about your sexual life with your friends? The responses were:

Yes, with people I trust. 12 (35%)
Sometimes... 15 (44%)
Never, that stuff is private. 4 (11%)
That's what my blog is for. 11 (32%)
I share details with anyone who will listen. 0 (0%)
I'm not getting any so I have nothing to share. 3 (8%)

I only have a few friends I feel I can share details of my sex life with, but even with those people there are certain things I don't feel comfortable sharing. I'm not sure they'd really want to know anyway. It's strange, because some of the things that I've done in the past few months are things I would have been completely shocked to hear someone even mention before I started exploring D/s. Perhaps it's often best to keep certain things to myself (or just share them with my fellow bloggers). ;)

Forbidden

2010-09-20T03:44:00.000-04:00

I have this one fantasy I haven't shared with anyone else, not even C. I'm so embarrassed by it, and I can't imagine many people would have this particular fantasy. At least not many sane people. But I can't stop thinking about it. And I really want to try it.

I highly doubt anyone would ever agree to make this specific fantasy a reality with me, though. I think it might even be illegal, I'm not entirely sure. It probably is. No one else would be put at risk besides me. But it's still probably considered illegal. I probably shouldn't ever do it, or even want to do it.

And yet I continue to think about it... the thought alone is such a turn-on. And I guess there's a possibility that I would regret doing it if I ever had the chance to give it a try. But I won't have to worry about that. Because I'll never tell anyone this fantasy. It will always be my little secret.

On The Move

2010-09-18T04:08:00.001-04:00

Today I move back to Tampa. I've been living in St. Pete for a while, but moving back to Tampa makes sense... for work and school and just life in general. But I'm going to miss St. Pete. Where I've been living is a much more laid back community than the one I'm moving to. What's interesting is that the two places are under fifteen minutes apart (20 or so if you drive the speed limit). But it feels like I'm moving to another world. In a way, I am. Hopefully this move will be a good thing.

(Hopefully Good) Advice

2010-09-17T06:22:00.001-04:00

Today's formspring question was...

"Do you have any advice for someone new to D/s?"

Well, I think I made a lot of mistakes when I first started exploring all this. So, if I could go back to the beginning of the year, this is the advice I would give myself:

Research lots, but don't believe everything you read.
Don't be afraid to ask questions, most people I've met who have experience with all this are more than happy to help out newbies.
Remember that there's no "right way" to practice D/s, no matter what anyone tells you.
If you're using the internet to talk with potential partners, be very careful about who you give your personal information to. Sometimes the person on the other end isn't who they say they are.
If something doesn't feel right, don't do it.
Join sites like alt.com (mainly for the blogs) and fetlife.com. FetLife has tons of groups about different aspects of BDSM and kinky stuff in general. It's also fairly easy to find others near you on there if you're interested in getting involved in the local scene.
Blogs are a great way to find out more about it all. For example, I've got a whole lot of posts that are basically a detailed recounting about what not to do. Then again, a lot of my posts (especially lately) have been about positive experiences. I think learning from others experiences is a often a great idea. A few of the blogs listed on here would be a good start, in my opinion.
Try to remember that the core of a D/s relationship is a relationship. I think sometimes people forget that... and get carried away with the excitement of play. But without a good relationship to begin with, I can't see how the fun would last very long.

Meh. I don't know how great my advice is. But there you have it. If anyone has anything else to add, feel free to leave a comment below. :)

Take Them Off

2010-09-15T15:03:00.001-04:00

On Sunday, I was out running errands while talking on the phone with C. We were just chatting about general stuff, what was going on that day, etc. Then he asked me what I was wearing. I told him I was wearing a shirt that doubles as a dress... I think the technical term for it is a "tunic." (see the picture to the left that I took in my car) I guess most people wear leggings with them, but since I'm short (5'4"), I can usually pull them off without wearing those. I was wearing some cute little lace teal panties, but C told me to take them off, that I was to run the rest of my errands pantiless. I tried to convince him that my dress was too short, that people might see too much... but he wouldn't budge. He practically never budges. :) It's so strange, because as much as I fight him on things like that, I end up soaking wet every time he asks me to do these things... no matter what he asks.

I know I was blushing as I went into various stores and made all the stops I needed to make on my way home... but I was also extremely turned on. It may seem like something fairly tame, but I would normally never go out in public without panties on. So that alone was probably part of the excitement. But I'm pretty sure the main reason it had such an effect on me was the fact that he asked me to do it. So fun.

Tested

2010-09-14T13:21:00.016-04:00

Last week, I posted a poll about testing for STDs. I wondered how often you all got tested. The responses were...

I've never been tested. 6 (20%)
I go in when I'm worried I've caught something. 9 (30%)
Less than once a year. 5 (16%)
Once a year. 14 (46%)
More than once a year. 4 (13%)
I never get laid so I don't worry about STDs. 1 (3% )

I was a little surprised that anyone responded that they had never been tested. I would figure that if you'd had sex at all that it would make sense to get tested at some point. I've been tested several times, most within the past few years. I think maybe I take things a little far, but I plan to get tested at least once a year as long as I'm sexually active. (Which hopefully I will be for the rest of my life...) I'm not sure why I worry about STDs so much, but the thought of catching one really freaks me out.... even though I know the likelihood that I will is relatively small since I practice "safe sex."

Blogging and my C

2010-09-10T11:12:00.001-04:00

Today's formspring question is...

What does C think about your blog posts? Does he know about them?

Yes, he knows about them. And I think he checks the blog about once a week, maybe? He generally mentions something to me when he's read a few of my posts. But really, we've usually already talked about the things I post before I post them. Not that I get his approval or anything, but if something is on my mind I tend to talk to him about it before I write about it. Not always, but most of the time.

But before I posted any details of our first night together, I did ask if he would mind me writing about it all. He doesn't write scene report posts on his blog, whereas I tend to go into great detail about my adventures. ;) But he said he would be fine with me writing whatever I wanted. It is my blog after all.

I know some of you have tried to guess who "C" is... no one has been right yet, which tickles me. I love to check out the people who you think my owner might be. I don't think it would actually be that hard to figure out who he really is, but you might have to track me all over the interwebs, and isn't it pretty fun to just read about him from my perspective?

Who do you want to be?

2010-09-07T08:07:00.000-04:00

Last week's poll asked... When it comes to role playing, what turns you on the most? The responses were:

Teacher & Student - 30%
Boss & Secretary - 18%
Doctor/Nurse & Patient - 15%
Strangers Meeting for the First Time - 12%
Housewife & Service Worker - 6%
Vampire & Prey - 6%
Cop & Criminal - 3%
Escort & Client 1 - 3%
(6% thought they all seemed boring)

I love the idea of role play. I know some people don't find it very interesting, but I think pretending to be someone else or just playing out a little scene for a short time could be fun. I wasn't too surprised that the Teacher & Student scenario was so popular. I'm turned on by that one as well. But the one I would choose as my first choice would be a Doctor & Patient role playing scenario. I don't know why I like the idea of it so much. In real life, I despise going to the doctor. And I've never been turned on while having a medical exam or procedure done. But the thought of doing a little medical play or scene is a huge turn-on. Huge. (My second choice would be the Boss & Secretary option, my third would be Teacher & Student... the rest don't do much for me.)

Checked Off

2010-09-03T08:38:00.000-04:00

Today's formspring question was...

"Do you have a BDSM checklist? Do you know where to find one?"

Not exactly, I've tried filling a few out but I don't really like them very much. I just don't think they seem all that helpful. And if a person was wanting to "play" or be with me in some way, I'd rather they just get to know me before trying to figure out what kinky stuff I'm into. Also, what I might be willing to do with one person I could be entirely unwilling to do with another. So, that's another downside to using them, I think. However, there are certain activities I'm more interested in than others and certain things I'm totally not interested in doing. A list of those things can be found here. That's about the closest thing I have to a "checklist". :)

As far as finding one, there are tons of them out there... you can google it. ;) But again, since I don't really like them all that much I don't have a specific one I'd recommend. However, over on alt.com (my second favorite kinky website) they have about a bazillion questions you can fill out on your profile regarding your kinks that would provide you with a pretty comprehensive "list" of kinky info about yourself to share with others.

Bubbles & Wine

2010-09-02T07:31:00.000-04:00

Happy HNT... I'm so fresh and so clean. Click on the picture to see more. :)

Punished Or Not

2010-08-31T07:51:00.000-04:00

Punishment seems like a somewhat controversial topic in the D/s world. There are some who seem to think that the D/s dynamic requires punishment... that submissives should be punished by their Dominants for their mistakes or transgressions. When I posted a poll about it last week, the responses were:

Doms should punish subs for misbehavior. 9 (36%)
Subs learn from punishment. 10 (40%)
I misbehave so my Dom will punish me. 8 (32%)
I hate being punished and avoid it if at all possible. 9 (36%)
Punishment is silly. 5 (20%)
I prefer "funishment" - punishment as play. 13 (52%)
I'm not a perv and I don't know what D/s is. 1 (4%)

I think if punishment works for you and your partner, then that's great. But for some reason, I just don't really think it would work very well with me. I enjoy some play punishment (or "funishment") but if I were to actually be punished with the same things I enjoy in play, I think my reaction would be quite different. But from talking with other submissives, especially those who are in long-distance relationships with their Dominants, it seems like a common punishment that is used is ignoring the sub or stopping contact for a while. That seems incredibly cruel to me. And I'm not really sure what the point of that would be. I'd think it would make more sense to talk about what happened... if a sub has made a mistake or not complied with a rule, I would think there would probably be a reason that needs to be addressed. Most subs I've known hate the idea of disappointing their Dom, and wouldn't do it on purpose. (I'm not talking about those who enjoy being punished for transgressions of course, that's a different story.) I guess I'm a little confused on why punishment is really used, physical or emotional or otherwise. Any thoughts would be appreciated. :)

And to that one person who responded that they don't know what D/s is... feel free to drop me a line. I love people with that new kink smell. ;)

99

2010-08-27T08:06:00.000-04:00

The formspring question I was going to answer last week asked me to share 10 interesting things about myself. I had a lot of trouble writing the post, because I'm not sure what other people consider interesting. I eventually got frustrated and wrote about something else.

And then I got to thinking about C's blog. The very first post of his blog is a list of 100 things about himself. All of them are interesting.

I decided I would try to come up with a list of my own of 100 things about myself. I gave up at 99, though. I think that's enough, surely. Some of them are definitely not that interesting, but you can read the list if you want. It's under a tab at the top of the screen, or you can just click here.

The First Night - Part XV (The End)

2010-08-25T11:11:00.034-04:00

When we got back to the room, we sat down and I started giggling like crazy. I really couldn't believe I'd just been naked in a public place... just because he asked me to. Some of you may find this hard to believe, I don't know, but I really don't do stuff like that. I just don't. Really.

But I did for him. Which is seriously insane. Or not, maybe. I don't know. But I remember thinking as we walked back to the hotel room from the garage that I would probably do anything he asked of me. Anything. Which almost scared me. (Sometimes it still scares me a little.) Because it just seems to strange to be willing to go so far to please someone else.

I think one of the things I realized a bit later, though, was that a big part of why I do the things he asks of me is that I trust him. I trust him not to ask me to do things that I can't do. I know there's a possibility that he could ask me to do something I'd truly be against doing, but I know he wouldn't do that purposefully. In fact, as much as I hate to admit it at times, there hasn't been a single thing he's asked me to do that I haven't wanted to do for him.

We spent the next hour or so engaged in various sex acts... vaginal, oral, anal again. He went down on me, which felt outstanding. He's got some amazing skills. The whole evening was mind-blowing. And I'd never felt closer to someone, physically or emotionally. It was pretty overwhelming.

At some point, we realized that we would have to get some sleep. I cuddled up next to him and drifted off. It was strange because I can't usually fall asleep in bed with another person, but it was easy that night. Maybe it was because I was so exhausted and worn out after everything, but I think it had more to do with the fact that I was in bed with him.

I was still in such a good mood when I woke up to leave. I felt very different from how I normally feel though, still so floaty and all. It felt almost like I was still asleep, or maybe like the whole night had been a dream and I had yet to wake up. It's hard to describe really.

It wasn't hard to say goodbye because I knew we would be seeing each other again soon.

T&A

2010-08-24T11:58:00.000-04:00

Last week's poll was about orgasms, and the ways in which you've achieved them. The responses were...

Only through clitoral stimulation - 19 (59%)
Vaginal sex (without clitoral stimulation) - 14 (43%)
Vaginal sex if I'm also stimulated elsewhere - 21 (65%)
Through nipple stimulation alone - 10 (31%)
During anal sex (with clitoral stimulation) - 13 (40%)
During anal (without clitoral stimulation) - 7 (21%)
From oral sex - 19 (59%)
Fingers on your g-spot - 18 (56%)

I bolded two of the response choices that interest me the most. On my first night with C, I experienced orgasms from nipple stimulation alone and then later during anal sex without any other stimulation. Both of these orgasms were quite intense... a little different from orgasms where I'm stimulated vaginally but still amazing. I was shocked by how easy it was for me to get off in those ways. I'm glad to hear some of you have experienced orgasms that way, and I hope the rest of you do soon. ;)

The First Night - Part XIV

2010-08-23T11:11:00.000-04:00

After the spanking, I was in this floaty playful kinda mood. C walked off to do something, not sure what. And I was just sitting on the bed playing with those nipple clamps, trying to figure out exactly how they work. (They weren't on me at the time.)

We were talking about different things, none of which I can recall now. But I made a somewhat sarcastic comment I think, nothing actually rude I'm sure, just playful. And then he threatened to take me outside and strip me. My reply was... "You wouldn't really do that." I think I even rolled my eyes.

He told me to get dressed. I was certain he wasn't actually going to make me get naked somewhere else. I went to put on my underwear but he said I wouldn't need a bra or panties. I raised my eyebrows, I think. He did the same.

As I slid on my shoes, I remember thinking that maybe I ought to try to hold my tongue a little better... and not just say whatever comes to my mind. I really had no idea what he planned to do. But I was certain, absolutely certain, that he wouldn't make me take my clothes off outdoors.

We went down the elevator, through the lobby, and into the parking garage. The whole time I kept asking questions and trying to convince him to take us back to the room. He just held my hand and continued walking. I followed, of course.

When we got to the level of the parking garage where my car was parked, I relaxed a little because I figured we were going to get in, maybe go for a ride or something. Nope. He turned around and told me to give him my skirt, right there in the packed parking garage in the middle of a very popular area of Tampa.

I looked at him to see if he was being serious. He was. So I took a deep breath and slid my skirt off and handed it to him. He folded it up and put it on top of my car. Then he told me to give him my top. I wasn't really even thinking at this point. I just did it.

So there I was, completely naked where literally anyone could drive or walk by at any moment. And he was just standing there looking at me. He seemed completely calm and not even the slightest bit concerned.

He told me to spread my legs apart, which I did. Then he told me to spread them wider. I did that too. He told me to place my hands behind my head. Of course, I did that also. He slid his hand down from my breasts to my kitty where he slid his fingers in quite easily. I blushed furiously because I really didn't want him to know I was enjoying this. He seemed quite pleased and kissed me passionately.

He had me put my clothes back on then. I was covered for about two seconds before a car came driving into the garage. It was almost like he timed it that way.

We walked back to the room holding hands. I think I was in shock...

The First Night - Part XIII

2010-08-22T11:11:00.014-04:00

When C came back over to the bed, he brought with him a new toy. A larger butt plug. When he began to insert it, I felt sure that it must be huge. But it was actually much smaller than his cock, which had been in me there just a couple hours before.

It took a while for him to get the plug in, but once it was inserted it felt kinda nice. He sent me back to the corner for being such a naughty girl... so I knew a spanking would be coming next. I was so excited I could hardly keep still.

By the time he finally brought me over to be spanked I was already dripping wet again. This spanking was much more intense than the first one. He alternated between using his hands and this hairbrush that I'm not sure whether I love or hate(probably a little of both?). Every so often he would check to see whether I was aroused. And of course I was.

He also asked me questions throughout the whole thing. Most I should have probably been capable of easily responding to with "Yes Sir." But at least half the time, I would drop the "Sir" or just mumble something. Which led to more spankings. It was awesome.

When he finally stopped and slid his fingers into my kitty, I thought I'd died and gone to heaven. I came almost instantly, over and over again. I was practically humping his hand. Actually, it probably would have been comical to watch. But he didn't seem to mind.

I really love spankings.

The First Night - Part XII

2010-08-21T11:11:00.013-04:00

When we got back to his room, C had me strip again. He seems to prefer having me naked. He remained completely dressed, which just made me feel more exposed.

He placed the nipple clamps back on, tighter this time. He had me hold the chain in my mouth while he teased me. Then he told me to stand up, turn around, and put my hands behind my back. He tied my wrists and arms together with some red rope. It wasn't painfully tight, but I'm pretty sure I wouldn't have been able to get out of it without his help.

He then led me over to a mirror in the bedroom by pulling the chain holding the nipple clamps together. So I could see what we looked like. I don't normally like looking at myself, but he made me feel so sexy and beautiful, and dirty (in a good way).

Then he walked me over to the bed where he had me get back down on my knees with my head on the bed and my bum way up in the air. I wasn't sure what he had planned to do next, but I figured I was going to like it.

Orgasms Make Me Smile

2010-08-20T15:21:00.000-04:00

I was asked a question about one of my previous posts. I mentioned that I had an orgasm with C during vaginal sex (although I'd never experienced one that way before), and the person basically asked if it was caused by the penetration alone or by clitoral stimulation.

I'm pretty sure there was *some* clitoral stimulation while I was riding C that first time. But I don't think that's what caused my multiple orgasms then. I don't think I would say that the vaginal penetration is the only thing that caused them either, though.

I could be wrong about this, and I know I don't have a ton of experience to be making conclusions like this from, but... I really think the orgasms he gives me are more due to an emotional connection than a physical one. The physical one is the basis for the pleasure, but it's the way he makes me feel emotionally that often pushes me over the edge. He has this amazing ability of knowing exactly what I want and need to hear. And when he says those things, amazing things happen to my body.

When I'm playing alone, I can reach orgasm either through clitoral or vaginal stimulation. I generally prefer a combination of the two. But with him, it seems that I can reach them in many other ways. I like that. A lot. :)

;)

2010-08-19T04:24:00.000-04:00

Well, for my second HNT post, I thought I'd try to do one of those fun *clicky* things. Hopefully when you click on the picture below you'll get to see a different picture. This really cool guy taught me how to do it. You should follow his blog if you aren't already. :)

The First Night - Part XI

2010-08-18T11:11:00.020-04:00

After having so many amazing experiences all together like that, we were in need of a short little break. We'd been at it for about three hours I think, so we were both starting to get a little hungry too. :)

We went to the Cheesecake Factory for dinner. C didn't let me wear panties. I didn't have a bra to wear because I wasn't allowed one in the first place. I felt like everyone was staring at me as we walked up to the restaurant and then to the table. I'm sure no one was, but that's the way I felt. It wasn't long before I began to feel more comfortable, though.

I'm not sure how long we were at dinner. Time seems to act differently (or at least it feels like it does) when we're together. We talked about tons of different things... work, family, friends, life in general. It felt like we were the only people in the whole world, like we were in this little bubble, even though the restaurant was packed. I always love to talking to him, even if it's just on the phone. But getting to actually sit and have a conversation in person was so much better.

By the time we were done eating, I was already starting to get horny again. We made our way back to the hotel for some more fun...

Let's Meet

2010-08-17T07:58:00.002-04:00

The poll last week asked how often you meet people who you first spoke with online. The responses were:

Yep. All the time. 2 (4%)
Sometimes. 30 (66%)
I've thought about it, but haven't done it. 8 (17%)
I'd rather they stay online friends. 9 (20%)

As you all know, I met C through one of the fetish websites earlier this year and then met him in person last month. I also attended a local munch (kinky gathering in a non-kinky setting) a couple weeks back, where I met some of the people I talk to on FetLife.

While it's fun to meet some people that I feel comfortable with, I don't think I'll ever meet most of the people I converse with over the internet. But I may meet a few more. You never know. :)

The First Night - Part X

2010-08-16T11:11:00.038-04:00

C sent me to stand in the corner. He told me to keep still and wait for him. I heard him walk away and I knew he was doing something in the other room, but I couldn't really focus much on that. My mind was racing and I was wondering what was going to happen next.

One of the very first D/s topics I discussed with him, months ago now, was cornertime and spankings. For some reason, I was intrigued by the idea of spankings, but I didn't understand why anyone would really be turned on if they were actually being spanked.

But I figured, since he had sent me to stand in the corner like a naughty little girl, that he was going to be spanking me sometime soon. All of these thoughts just kept going through my mind. I was so very nervous, but strangely more excited than anything else. I didn't even hear him when he walked back into the room. He whispered something in my ear and I jumped. It was like he came out of nowhere.

He led me over to the bed and told me to climb across his lap. I was really embarrassed. I couldn't believe I was actually going to let him spank me. And I couldn't believe that I actually wanted him to. I was a little surprised because he started by just touching me again, running his hands up and down by back, and my bottom, and my legs.

When that first slap came down, I'm pretty sure I yelped. Or made some strange sound. Because it really hurt. But he kept going... it's so hard to describe exactly how I was feeling at that point because nothing has ever made me feel quite the same. It was so strange. I wanted him to stop and I wanted him to keep going. I don't think I was even thinking about sex at the time, or thinking about having an orgasm, or thinking anything even remotely coherent.

But it was definitely sexual experience. Eventually he reached between my legs and slid his fingers into me. And I seriously couldn't believe what it felt like. I was soaking wet. Not just a little wet. Fucking dripping. I'm pretty sure spankings aren't supposed to make a person wet. But they're definitely not supposed to make a person that wet. It was mortifying.

With his fingers inside me and the sensations I could still feel from the spanking he gave me, I came within a matter of moments. It was unreal. I was seriously shocked. And a little worn out.

Then we cuddled.

The First Night - Part IX

2010-08-15T11:11:00.018-04:00

C had me get back into his favorite position. Head down, tail up. He started playing with my ass again. Teasing and touching. Lubricating. It all felt so good. So very much better than I had expected. He was pushing one of the plugs in and out over and over again. I felt so full and so very close to having an orgasm.

He told me to push myself back on the plug while he held it. And he was saying the naughtiest things to me. His words just kept getting me closer and closer to climax. But I still wanted more. I guess I can be a little greedy at times.

But I'm still shocked by what I did next. I asked him... well, I begged him to fuck my ass. I needed to feel his cock inside me, there. Right then. I just couldn't wait any longer.

When I felt the head of his cock touch me, I got a little nervous again. But he told me to push back against him, slowly. I felt so stretched, but he was so careful with me. When he was finally all the way in, he began to move faster. In and out, over and over.

And of course, I came again.

The First Night - Part VIII

2010-08-14T11:11:00.026-04:00

Now that I'm writing this part of the evening, I'm feeling a little guilty. Here I was, having all of these amazing orgasms, and I had yet to get C off. Honestly, at the time, I don't think I had a whole lot going through my mind. I was feeling amazingly good and really just enjoying everything so much.

And it was easy because I didn't have to think much. If I could manage to just do what I was told and not overthink things, everything was wonderful. It's still surprising to me how great he is at getting me to a place in my mind where I don't have to think or worry or over-analyze, I just have to obey.

Anyhow, this was the first point in the evening where he finally got to have some release. He had me go down on him. He was on the bed and I was kneeling, bending forward to take him into my mouth. I realize I'm probably not the best at this particular act, but I'm hoping I'll get better with a little more experience.

I wish I had been able to take him further back in my mouth. I was almost able to get all of him in me a few times, but only for a moment or two. I expected him to get frustrated. But he didn't. I guess the other things he instructed me to do felt good enough, because eventually I felt him cum into my mouth.

I had been so nervous about that... about whether it would taste funny or I would gag or do something ridiculous that hadn't even occurred to me yet. But it was fine. He actually tasted really good. Really good. I can't think of anything to compare it to, I guess it was a little salty, maybe? But it was so exciting to know that I had made him moan like that, that I had made him feel so good. I was actually feeling quite powerful, like I was the one in control...

I didn't feel that way for very long. He was ready to move on to something new.

How Long?

2010-08-13T07:59:00.000-04:00

Today's formspring questions are...

"How long is 'The First Night' story? Is that what really happened?"

I'm not sure how long the story will be when I'm finished with it. I just keep writing a bit each day. (But just so you know, we're not even halfway through the night yet.) I've usually been about a post or two ahead of what's actually on the blog, though. That's about the best answer I can give to the first question... I just have no clue how much I'll end up writing about it. There's so much that happened that night and it was really life-changing for me, as strange as that may sound. I want to be able to write out and remember as much as possible about everything that happened.

As to the second question, I believe my posts have been quite accurate when it comes to detailing the events of that evening. This probably sounds a little funny, but I have a bullet point list of all of the things we did, and I keep referring back to it as I write my posts. Some stuff has been left out just because they weren't things I felt like blogging about, and I'm sure I'm leaving some details out that have slipped my mind. I've actually called C and asked him about a few things that are hazy in my memory or to clarify what exactly he did. Sometimes all I can remember are the sensations and emotions I felt. But, yep, all of that happened that one evening a few weeks back. You can see why it was one of the most memorable nights of my life, can't you? ;)

Side note: I recently updated the "Blogs That Make Me Hot" list down to the right of your screen, so check it out if you're getting tired of perving on my night of fucktastic sex. I've tried to add all of the blogs I read the most, but I know I'm missing a few. So if you know I'm perving on your blog but you aren't on the list, it's because I'm an airhead. Feel free to let me know that I overlooked you and I'll add you there.

My First HNT

2010-08-12T18:38:00.000-04:00

I decided to go ahead and start posting some pictures on here. I first heard about HNT (Half-Nekkid Thursday) a few months back. Sure didn't think I'd ever be participating. *shrugs* Look! It's me...

As some of you know, I have a bit of a fear of having my picture taken. Specifically, it's the flash that usually gets to me. So these were taken with the flash turned off. Not the highest quality, but it will have to do for now. I'm hoping to overcome my fear of cameras. That would be cool. :)

The First Night - Part VII

2010-08-11T11:11:00.000-04:00

The next thing we did was another act I'd been looking forward to very much... sex. Vaginal sex. I hadn't been with a man in over two years. Two years is a long time. And I'd never had an orgasm during vaginal sex. So I wasn't exactly expecting it to work this time. But I'd hoped that it would at least feel good for him.

After he put on a condom, he helped me slide down on him. I was honestly a bit surprised that he wanted me to be on top. I'd never done that position before, but I always kinda thought of it as a dominant position. Like I would be the one in control. But it was still very clear to me that he was the one in control in this room.

He felt so good inside me. So warm. I've tried several toys now, all of which I've blogged on here about. But nothing compared to the feel of his cock inside me. I loved it. I loved it so much, in fact, that I came again. And again. And yep, a third time while riding him.

I think it was at this point in the evening that we began to lose track of how many orgasms I'd had. Prior to that evening, the most orgasms I'd ever had in such a short time was four or five, I think. And those were all instances when I had been touching myself. I had known I was physically capable of having multiple orgasms. I just never knew how many I was actually capable of having.

We broke the record by a long shot that night.

To Share

2010-08-10T04:17:00.000-04:00

Last week's poll asked about sharing your partner with another person. When asked if you could share, your responses were:

Yes. 13 (36%)
Maybe..... 14 (38%)
No fucking way. 10 (27%)

I've given this much thought over the past couple of months. And I've been wanting to explain my thoughts about how my relationship with C works... not so much because I feel the need to justify it to others, but more because I hate when I can't explain in words what I feel inside.

I've known from the very beginning that C is married, very happily married. And that he has another relationship with someone he is very close to. He also has been known to play occasionally with others, though he doesn't seem to "scene" indiscriminately. He's quite knowledgeable about BDSM, people go to him for advice. (He'd probably disagree with the notion that he's an expert when it comes to this stuff. But whatever. He is. Ooh, maybe he'll read this post and decide to come down and spank me for being cheeky. A girl can dream...)

Anyhow, if you remember from a previous post, that's how I first started talking to him, by asking him for advice. He certainly didn't go searching me out or anything like that. In fact, I'd kinda been pining away for him for a while before he realized it, I think. :)

A little back story that you might find interesting if you've been following the blog from the beginning... Remember when I had that first D/s experience, and I freaked out and wouldn't talk to the people I'd played with? That evening I was really really upset. But then I had a conversation with C. Honestly, I wonder if he even remembers this now. It probably wasn't a big deal to him. But it was huge to me. I was so distraught. If I hadn't talked to him that night, I probably would have spent much more time being completely torn up over the whole thing. He really helped me put things in perspective. He was able to calm me down when nothing else could. And this was before we really even knew each other.

Anyway, back to the topic at hand. C has other partners. I don't. I'm pretty sure I can't handle having multiple partners. I've tried that in the past and I didn't really like it. I like having just him. I could see myself maybe doing certain things with certain people under certain circumstances. But I don't know I could submit to anyone else, even if I wanted to. I don't think I could give myself to more than one person at a time, if that makes any sense.

However, I'm happy that he has these other people in his life that he cares about who care about him. I wasn't sure I would feel that way. A part of me was worried that after we had been together physically, that some form of jealousy would kick in and that it would kill me to think of him being with anyone else. But I just don't feel that way.

I'm not sure why I don't feel jealous of these other women, because I do love him and I do want to be with him. But I would never want him to lose out on the other things in his life that make him happy. The idea of him being unhappy is unbearable to me. So maybe that's one of the reasons why I'm okay with sharing him.

Another reason is that I know that he loves me. And the fact that I know that he loves me makes everything okay. His love makes me feel warm and safe and so very happy. So while it may not be a traditional relationship or one that would work for many people, it's working for me quite well. :)

The First Night - Part VI

2010-08-09T11:11:00.018-04:00

The next toy he pulled out was a pair of nipple clamps linked by a chain. They were actually a bit scary looking. And I remember thinking I really didn't want them on my nipples. My nipples are so sensitive and I thought there was no way I could handle that.

He was explaining how they work, I think. Or talking about something. Honestly, at this point, he could've been talking about the current exchange rate. I really wasn't listening. I was thinking that the whole nipple clamp idea was a pretty bad one. I was also regretting the fact that I had at one point shared that I had fantasized about wearing some. And I was a tad bit frustrated with my body for betraying me, because as much as I was terrified by the idea of him putting them on me, I was equally turned on by the thought.

My inner monologue came to a halt when he started teasing my nipples with his fingers and mouth. And then he slowly slid one of the clamps on. He tightened it some, but it didn't hurt like I thought it would. In fact, it felt amazingly good. Once the second one was on, he let go of the chain connecting them, and the weight of it pulled down a bit on both of my nipples at the same time. I almost came right then. It didn't take much more stimulation before I was squirming and screaming, yet again.

Nipple clamps are now one of my favorite things.

Locals

2010-08-08T22:09:00.001-04:00

I'm a little tipsy at the moment, but I thought I should write a quick little post about an experience I had this weekend... I went to my first "munch" yesterday afternoon. Basically, it was just a gathering of kinky people in a non-sexual setting, a way for people with similar interests to get to know each other.

I was a little nervous going in to it, but that feeling quickly passed because it was just so laid-back. It was fun meeting some people that I've been talking to on FetLife for a while. I learned a lot about some different people's introductions to BDSM, and more about what things are like at the local dungeons. Still don't think I'm ready to go to anything like that. But it was quite interesting to hear about.

This evening, I remembered what I first thought when I heard about munches sometime back in January of this year. I remember thinking I would never go to something like that. It seems I say or think that a lot. Never. It's funny that there are so many things I think I'd never do that I end up doing. *giggles*

The First Night - Part V

2010-08-08T11:11:00.006-04:00

We moved into the bedroom. He had me climb on the bed, into his favorite position... head down, tail up. It's such an exposing position. It made me feel so very vulnerable. He was right there, and I knew he could see everything. There was nothing I could hide from him in that position. He was still caressing and touching me all over.

He had me suck his fingers. He then slid them into my kitty, and eventually into my ass. It was a strange sensation, but it felt good. I was so embarrassed, but I wanted more. I felt my body moving.

He was talking all this time. Always talking. And I loved that. I needed that. I needed to hear his voice. Even though I can't remember the exact things he said, I remember being comforted by that sound.

At some point, I felt the tip of a toy touch my anus. I'm pretty sure I clenched up. He was rubbing my back, telling me to relax. It took a while, but eventually it was inside me. It felt huge. (Later, when I saw it, I was surprised that it wasn't nearly as big as I thought it was.)

I don't like admitting it, but I loved the feel of the plug. It stretched me, made me feel full. I almost thought I'd hate having something in there. But I was wrong about that.

That evening, I learned I had been wrong about a lot of things.

The First Night - Part IV

2010-08-07T11:11:00.003-04:00

C had me climb into his lap. He slid his fingers inside me and curled them. It felt so good to finally have him inside me. I came almost instantly. Hard. I was a little shocked. I thought maybe I would be so nervous that I wouldn't be able to have an orgasm. I'm not sure why I feel so comfortable with him. I think there's just something about him that puts me at ease... even though he's also quite capable of making me squirm and blush and feel more nervous than anyone else ever has.

What happened next was very shocking, and a new experience for me. He began sucking on my nipples. First gently and then more forcefully. My breasts are fairly small. He opened his mouth and was able to suck a good portion of one of my breasts into his mouth. It was an overwhelming sensation. Sooo very good. So different. His hand was playing with my other nipple. Pinching, squeezing, caressing, pulling. I came again. Right there, as he touched only my nipples.

It was incredible. I remember thinking we could stop right there and at least I would be completely satisfied with our first experience.

There was so much more to come.

My Fear

2010-08-06T17:02:00.001-04:00

I love answering questions. Today's question didn't come from formspring though, but from a comment on one of my posts from earlier this week. The question was basically...

"Were you concerned that meeting C in person would disappoint?"

Yes, yes, yes... not so much that I would be disappointed, but that he would be. That he wouldn't find me attractive, or that I wouldn't be submissive enough, or that I'd say or do something stupid, or that I wouldn't be able to do anything at all besides stand there and stare at him. My biggest fear for weeks before the day we actually met was that he would somehow be disappointed in me. I was practically certain he would be. And the thought of that was terrifying to me. There's pretty much nothing I enjoy more than pleasing him, making him happy. Except for orgasms. I really really like those. Orgasms from him are the best, way better than any I have playing with myself alone. Oops, got a little off topic again... so yes, I was very worried that things wouldn't go well. Luckily, my fears were unfounded. :)

Unfortunately, my fear of disappointing him is something I still struggle with. I'm sure I'll disappoint him at some point. Maybe I already have and don't even know it. I think I'll try to not worry about that too much and just deal with it when it comes...

My Fantasy

2010-08-05T17:08:00.037-04:00

I'm sitting here in a Starbucks waiting on a client who is running late. The weather is pretty bad, so I'm not too annoyed that he should have been here a while ago. But since I had some extra time, I thought I would go ahead and blog again today. While I'm very much enjoying sharing all of the details of my first night with C on here, there's also still tons of other things going on that I want to write about too.

This afternoon C had me mark my body. The mark isn't permanent, but it will last a little while I think. It's not in a place most people would see... basically I'd need to be close to naked for it to be visible. But I know it's there. And having it there is such a huge turn-on for me. Huge.

I love being marked by him. I know I haven't posted about that part of the evening yet, but C marked me quite well on our first night together. I was able to enjoy seeing those marks for days after he was gone. I was quite bummed on the morning I woke up and realized they were no longer visible. I missed them.

So, while this new mark wasn't physically put on my body by him, it was put there at his instruction. Which is almost as good as him marking me himself. One of my biggest fantasies is to have him mark me permanently, with a tattoo. I realize it's way too early in our relationship to really be thinking about things like that. But one can't help what one fantasizes about...

I really do hope he'll want to collar me one day. And while I like the idea of a typical collar, something jewelry-like (what girl doesn't like jewelry?), I'd rather have something permanent on my body that marks me as his. I even have a few ideas of designs and placements and things like that. I've masturbated several times to those thoughts, and the orgasms are always earth-shattering. I don't know why the idea of that turns me on so much. Oh well. It is what it is. :)

The First Night - Part III

2010-08-05T11:11:00.002-04:00

One of the things I'd fantasized most about since C and I first started talking was the thought of taking him in my mouth. I love the sight of his cock. I'd wanted to touch and lick it for so long. I'd never felt one in my mouth before. And I was literally dying to have that experience.

I was thrilled when it became clear that I was going to get to have that experience right away. When I first saw his cock, I felt myself grow even more wet. More wet than I thought was humanly possible. I so wanted to touch him. He let me feel it and lick it and wrap my mouth around it.

I'm not sure how very great it felt for him. I remember thinking that I should have researched techniques or something before we got together. But he instructed me on how he liked to be sucked and licked. He felt so good in my mouth and so warm. I so wanted to feel him cum in my mouth.

But he had other plans.

The First Night - Part II

2010-08-04T11:11:00.003-04:00

I think I was holding my breath from the time I knocked on the door of C's hotel room until he opened it. I'm not sure how I expected to feel when I first saw him... I was certainly nervous and scared and excited. But I was also relieved, because he immediately wrapped me in his arms and held me. I suddenly felt so much better, I felt safe in his arms. I was still all of those other things too... excited, nervous, etc. But it wasn't bad. Because I was with him.

We sat on the sofa and he just held me. His hands were running up and down my arms. He was talking to me, and I think I responded to the things he said. But I can't recall what we talked about. My heart was still racing. With my head on his chest, I could hear his heartbeat. It was soothing to me. And the sound of his voice was so relaxing.

He has such a very sexy voice. The things he can do to me with just his voice are astounding. Between finally being in his arms, and the sensations of feeling his breath, hearing his heartbeat, and the sound of his voice... I was quickly becoming more aroused. Just when my heart had started to slow down a tiny bit, I could feel it speeding up again with the anticipation of what would come next.

His commands made me even more wet. Such simple things he started with, but the effect on me was incredible. He had me stand in front of him. His hands were still moving all over my body. He slowly pulled my panties down and had me step out of them. He checked to see if I was aroused. I was.

He pulled my tank top off, and then lowered my skirt. I was naked except for my heels. It was so bright in the room. We'd talked many times about my desire to have the lights off during our first visit. He wouldn't budge on that. He doesn't usually budge on things, though I often try to sway him. I'm starting to learn that it's not such a smart idea to try to talk him out of his decisions, but I haven't quite learned that lesson yet...

Standing there naked and bare in a brightly lit room was a bit difficult for me. I was so embarrassed, but still incredibly turned on. I expected him to be turned off somewhat by my scars. But he looked at me as if I was one of the most beautiful things he had ever seen.

And then he told me to kneel.

The First Night - Part I

2010-08-03T11:11:00.000-04:00

In my mind, our first night together began long before we actually met. The anticipation was overwhelming. I spent the entire morning just thinking about C and what our time together would be like.

After getting off work as early as possible, I showered and shaved, and made sure I was squeaky clean and completely bare for him. I put on a a pair of see-through black panties that tied in the back, a lacy black skirt, and a pink top. I wasn't allowed to wear a bra. That was pretty mortifying for me, the idea of walking around in public without one. But I put on my favorite pair of Manolos and made my way out the door.

The drive to where he was staying was torture. It seemed like I would never get there. And then when I finally got there and parked my car, I couldn't seem to make myself shut off the engine and get out. I couldn't believe I was actually going to walk up to his room and just let him do whatever in the world he planned on doing. But I got out, and walked to the elevator, and went up to to his floor, and knocked on the door. Looking back now, I can't even remember what was going through my head.

And then the door opened.

Faker?

2010-08-03T04:21:00.000-04:00

Last week's poll was about faking orgasms. I've never actually faked one myself. I thought about it once during an experience a few months ago. Because it wasn't going so great and I thought maybe it would be nicer to pretend that I was enjoying myself than to just say "Um, hey, this isn't gonna work." But then I realized I haven't the slightest clue what I look or sound like when I'm having an orgasm, so I figured I'd probably do a fairly poor job or faking one.

I still have no clue what I look like when that time comes for me. And I'm kinda glad I don't. Because I'm pretty sure I look silly or something. Luckily, by the time I'm actually having an orgasm there's no coherent thought going through my head so any concerns about my appearance or sounds I'm making or anything else have just gone "Poof!" into the sky somewhere. I wonder what it would would be like to try to fake an orgasm, though... I'd probably end up in a fit of giggles.

Here's what you all had to say when asked "Do you fake orgasms?"

Yep. Makes a bad fuck end sooner. 4 (18%)
I do it occasionally. 9 (40%)
I just tell my partner what's wrong. 3 (13%)
I would never fake an orgasm. 7 (31%)
I couldn't fake one if I tried. 6 (27%)
I've never had an orgasm. 0 (0%)

Interesting, huh?

Where To Begin?

2010-08-02T10:53:00.000-04:00

"Begin at the beginning and go on till you come to the end:

then stop."

- The King, Alice's Adventures in Wonderland

I have so much I want to share with you all about last week. But I can't seem to figure out where to begin. And then I realized that this man I've been referring to here on my blog for a while now has never been given a name. "C" will work just fine, I think.

Anyhow, I figured I ought to share a little more about my relationship with C before I start getting to the dirty stuff. Because while the kinky, nasty, dirty stuff is tons of fun with him... it wouldn't be the same if we didn't have such an amazing relationship.

C and I first started talking sometime near the beginning of this year. I'm quite certain neither of us expected things to turn out the way they have. He has a very full life, and while I was attracted to him from the start I didn't ever have any expectations that we would be where we are today.

As the months went by, I would go to him for advice about various things. We'd talk and chat and get to know each other better. And somewhere along the way, I developed feelings for him. I fantasized about him, about being with him, about submitting to him. As I've mentioned before, he lives quite far from me, but we've managed to make things work so far. Last week was the first time we were able to spend time together in person. And while waiting was hard, it was well worth it. I'm looking forward to spending many more fantastic nights with him in the future.

And I'm looking forward to sharing more about that first night with you all. ;)

Dropped

2010-08-01T15:59:00.000-04:00

So, another post before I go into a little more detail about my first night of D/s debauchery. I'd like to talk just a little bit about sub drop.

I read about sub drop when I first started researching BDSM. And honestly, I thought it sounded ridiculous. Why in the world would someone feel down after having some awesome sex? Hm? Seemed like bullshit to me.

Oh, I was so very wrong.

And I don't have any problem admitting that... at all.

Because sub drop seriously sucks. Major suckage there. I was feeling so great all throughout that night, right through to the next afternoon. And then out of nowhere, I crashed. Hard. It felt like the world was crumbling around me. I was sobbing and I felt like I couldn't breathe. He'd told me this would happen, so at least in the back of my mind I knew what was going on. But at the time, I was still pretty shocked.

It's been up and down since then. Mostly up, with the occasional down. The downs are getting less intense. Which is good. But apparently you can't really get those intense euphoric feelings that come from the types of activities I was involved in without having to deal with the emotional lows that eventually stop by for a visit.

The lows are totally worth it though. I'd rather have to deal with them than to never feel those highs again.

So here is my official apology to all the people I snorted at when I read their posts about the effects of sub drop: I was wrong. Sub drop is quite real. And quite awful. I'm sorry that I doubted you.

Like A Cloud

2010-07-29T11:07:00.001-04:00

"I wonder if I've been changed in the night? Let me think. Was I the same when I got up this morning? I almost think I can remember feeling a little different. But if I'm not the same, the next question is 'Who in the world am I?'"

Last night was one of the most amazing nights of my entire life. I'd never had so many fantastic experiences in such a short period of time. And I've never felt this way before. I hardly know myself at the moment, but I can't seem to find the desire to worry about that. I wish I had the words to describe exactly how I feel right now, but my mind is a jumbled mess of memories and feelings and thoughts of sensations I never knew were possible. I so wish I could wrap this all up somehow, put it in a little box, so I could open it and feel this way again whenever I want. But I'm not sure it's possible for a person to feel this way for very long. I don't know how one could survive it. It's too good. So I think I'll just enjoy it while it lasts.

"I can't explain myself, I'm afraid, Sir, because I'm not myself you see."

Bare

2010-07-27T14:18:00.000-04:00

I can't believe I didn't write a post about this last week, so I guess I'll just post twice today. Last Thursday, I had my kitty waxed again. I wrote about my first waxing experience here. This one went a little better. It was still pretty mortifying and quite painful. But I do think my kitty looks better waxed. Shaving just isn't the same. But unfortunately, waxing can be quite expensive so I don't know if it's ever something I'll do all the time.

One of the things that can be a bit annoying about waxing is that you have to let the hair grow out to a certain length before having it waxed. Since I'd been shaving for the past few months, that felt a little strange. But the funny thing was that after about a week, I kinda got used to having some hair down there again. I feel so much less exposed with just a little bit.

But I get turned on by having it completely bare. So I'll probably stay hair-free most of the time. :)

Hard Limits

2010-07-23T08:40:00.000-04:00

The formspring question for today really got me thinking and I had a difficult time answering it...

"Is there a taboo play you would never consider participating in under any circumstance?"

I tried to think of all of the "taboo" things that BDSM-ers do, what would be considered more taboo than the rest. The things I came up with that I think it seems most people won't do are:

anything involving children
anything involving animals
anything involving poop or pee
anything involving blood
anything that would leave permanent marks

I'm sure I'm missing some stuff, but oh well.

Of the above, the first two squick me out entirely. I don't believe children or animals can consent to sex acts, so that's the end of that. Poop just grosses me out.

But the rest of the stuff up there is up for negotiation. Pee doesn't really gross me out or anything, so I might be willing to do something involving that with someone who really wanted to do that with me. I don't know if I'd actually enjoy it. But I doubt it would bother me.

I like the idea of blood play and permanent marks being left on my body... tattoos, piercings, marks from toys. I like the thought of that... a lot. But I'd only want to do that kind of thing with someone I really trusted and really cared about a great deal.

So I guess the answer to the question is... no kids, animals, or poop. *shrugs* I bet there's tons of other stuff I wouldn't want to do that I'm not even thinking of. There are some major pervs out there who can probably think of a few for me. ;)

Swallow It

2010-07-20T14:59:00.000-04:00

Last week's poll was about swallowing a guy's cum. Since I may get a chance to do that at some point in the not-so-distant future, I was wondering what my followers thought about it all, whether any of you liked swallowing. The responses were:

Mmm, yes! 17 (65%)
Ew, no! 3 (11%)
Only if I have to... 6 (23%)
Cocks don't go in my mouth. 4 (15%)

Interesting. Most of you seem to like it, although a few don't. I wonder if I will...

Denial?

2010-07-19T15:15:00.002-04:00

This morning I attended a group therapy session for people who are attempting to resolve their "sexual issues." It was pretty mortifying for me, because although I talk about a lot of sexual stuff here on this blog, I'm quite shy in person when it comes to discussing these types of things.

I really didn't want to go this "group therapy" thing but I agreed because the psychiatrist I've been seeing for a very long time now has asked me repeatedly over the last several months to just give it a try. I'm never going again. Seriously.

I'm willing to admit and accept that I have an eating disorder, and body dysmorphic disorder. I understand those diagnoses and realize that they pretty accurately describe me and my behaviors at times. However, I refuse to accept the idea that I have a sexual "disorder" of any kind.

I'm no doctor but I don't think most of the other people in the group are "sick" either. Maybe I'm in "denial." Fuck if I know. Two of the other women are struggling with fidelity, one of the men is "addicted" to porn, another has "impure thoughts of an illegal nature" (not sure what that means exactly). Except for the last guy I mentioned, the other three sound fairly "normal" to me, if there is such a thing as "normal." I don't know the statistics, but I think lots of people have affairs. I doubt that doing so, in and of itself, makes you mentally ill. As far as porn, if enjoying it makes you sick, then our group should have been much larger. :/

I honestly don't know what to make of the experience this morning, or the discussions we had. I figure if your behaviors and thoughts are causing you emotional distress, then it would make sense to seek help to deal with that. And maybe that's what the deal is with these other people. Maybe they truly don't want to be the way they are. But if you're just kinky and enjoy having some dirty fun, I don't see the problem with that as long as no one is getting hurt.

*sighs*

I'm confused again.

Countdown

2010-07-16T04:22:00.009-04:00

Today's formspring question was about a new gadget on the blog. Apparently, someone noticed the countdown box at the bottom. In less than two weeks, I'll get to spend some quality alone time with the man I mentioned a few posts back. Since he lives so far away, we won't get to see each other very often. So we'll just have to make the time that we do get to spend together count. :) I can't wait to see him.

Knocked Up? No, Thanks.

2010-07-14T10:51:00.001-04:00

So, I had an appointment with a gynecologist yesterday. I pretty much avoid going to the doctor as much as possible, especially that kind. Except I figured it was time to get on some birth control. Although right before the appointment I did have a brief thought of how much easier my life would be if I were a lesbian... can't get pregnant messing around with another girl. And girls are quite fun to mess around with...

Okay, back to the topic at hand. I may at some point be having sex with a man again. Anything's possible, right? ;) So, since I'm not too fond of the idea of getting myself knocked up, I'm going to need some form of protection. Don't worry, I plan to use condoms too. But I don't especially trust those things. They seem way too flimsy and easy to break.

Has anyone else ever noticed that? How very thin those little guys are? I bought a bunch at Target last week, and wow... they were really easy to break through. (The colored ones are kinda cute if you blow them up like balloons though. Yes, I'm nuts.) Anyway, definitely not going to rely on those to keep me baby-free.

I talked with the gyno about a bunch of different options, but finally decided on the NuvaRing. My memory is complete shit, so the pill is definitely out. I'd never remember to take it. I'd originally wanted to get that Depo-Provera shot, but she said that has all kinds of negative side effects. I may get an IUD at some point, but I'm going to try this first. Hopefully I won't find a way to mess it up.

And hopefully I'll get laid soon.

Sexy Spankings

2010-07-13T16:21:00.000-04:00

Last week's poll was about sexual spankings. Not the kind for punishment... the hot, sexy, kinky kind. I haven't actually ever been spanked, so I can't speak from experience what exactly a spanking would be like. But I'm fascinated with the idea of it, and would totally like to experience that one day.

The results of the poll were as follows:

Ooh, spank me please! 15 - (57%)
I enjoy spanking others. 10 - (38%)
I like to both give and receive. 7 - (26%)
I like to watch. 4 - (15%)
Yuck! 0 - (0%)

No one was squicked out by them, that's pretty cool. I've got some kinky followers. ;)

I Miss You

2010-07-11T20:18:00.003-04:00

My Dearest Orgasm,

I have missed you so since you left me. I'm not sure where things went wrong exactly, but I'm hoping to find you again soon. My life is not the same without you.

I think several things have caused us to drift apart. I'm so overwhelmed with stress at the moment, that it seems every time I try to find you... you elude me. I don't blame you, of course, this all falls on me.

These next two weeks, unfortunately, may not be any better for us. Work is insane right now, there's so much going on. I also have to study for that final which is but ten days away at this point. I won't even get into all the drama that's been going on with both friends and family lately.

But I do think of you often and hope to re-establish the solid relationship we once had. I just need a little time I suppose.

Until we meet again,
Heather

Ropes and Chains and Scarves, Oh My

2010-07-06T04:57:00.008-04:00

The poll I posted last week asked what you would like to tie someone up with or be tied up with yourself. The responses were:

Ropes - 14 (70%)

Chains - 10 (50%)

Scarves - 10 (50%)

Cling Wrap - 3 (15%)

Handcuffs - 12 (60%)

Cable Ties - 6 (30%)

Honestly, I really want to try all of the above options. Rope is probably my first choice, because there are so many pretty options out there. I love aesthetically pleasing restraint devices. I recently saw some really awesome hemp rope that I'd love to be tied up with. My second choice would be handcuffs, because I think they're sexy. Next would be cable ties... not sure why. I bet they could be brutal though. Chains would be my fourth choice, I haven't yet seen any "pretty" chains out there, but there probably are some. Scarves and cling wrap would be my last choices just because it doesn't sound like as much fun as the others. *shrugs* :)

A New Beginning

2010-07-03T18:04:00.000-04:00

I have some pretty exciting news. I just recently began a new relationship with a very wonderful person. We started out as friends a few months back, but things have slowly developed into something much more than that. I wish I was better able to describe everything I feel for him, but I would at least like to share where my head is at right now.

He's quite an amazing person, just in general. Successful, intelligent, handsome, kind, funny, articulate, and friendly. But what I've liked most about our interactions so far is that I really feel like he understands me. Sometimes it feels like he understands me better than I understand myself. It can be almost unnerving at times, but mainly it's just thrilling. I just feel so connected to him on so many levels.

Our relationship is definitely not typical or traditional. But that doesn't matter to me. Of course I have no way of knowing where things will go from here, I don't think that really matters either. It just feels so right to me. It feels so natural. I trust him. And it's really nice to know he cares for me as I care for him.

It's strange too, because I never expected to feel this way about him. Or anyone, really. I can't believe how quickly everything has changed between us... and I love it. I love how he makes me feel safe and happy and free to be myself. I love to make him happy, to please him. It's a wonderful feeling.

There's obviously a lot more to our relationship than what I've shared here. But I thought I'd just write a tiny bit about it. As excited as I am about this, I'm also feeling quite protective of him and us and everything we do. I'm not sure how much detail I'll share on the blog about it all yet. It feels so much more personal than the things I've talked about on here before. Which I realize probably sounds a bit odd considering all I've shared thus far. I guess we'll just have to see how it goes...

A Room With A Bed

2010-07-02T08:22:00.001-04:00

Well, it's formspring Friday, but I'm going to answer my own question instead of one of the anonymous ones.

"Why do you have so many nightmares?"

Good question. I have no idea. I've got a beautiful bedroom to sleep in but I can't ever seem to get through a night in there. I bought a gorgeous bedroom set from Pottery Barn, and a damn expensive Tempur-Pedic mattress. I saved up for quite a while to buy that shit. I really love my bedroom. But I can't sleep in it. At least not at night. Sometimes I just relax in there during the day, sometimes I write in bed. But I just can't get a good night of sleep in it.

Most nights I sleep downstairs on the sofa, sometimes just on the floor. And then I don't have any dreams. Or at least I don't remember them. It's like I need to be really uncomfortable to sleep well, or so I thought. Last night, I slept in the guest bedroom. Much smaller bed, not as comfortable. Better than the floor, but still. Same results. (Side note: I'm feeling pretty shitty about ever having guests sleep in there, now that I know how much that bed sucks.)

Anyhow, the only conclusion I can come to is that it's the presence of the bed that's the problem. I don't know. I guess I sometimes have nightmares when I sleep downstairs, but it's no where near as bad as when I'm tucked in a bed. It's really fucking annoying.

Okay, so I didn't actually answer my question. I guess this was just a rant... I feel better now though. :) Thanks for reading.

Fun Fabrics

2010-06-29T05:52:00.010-04:00

Last week's poll asked about various things you all like to see women wear. The results were:

Lace - 22 (66%)
Velvet - 4 (12%)
Satin - 11 (33%)
Fishnet - 13 (39%)
Vinyl - 3 (9%)
Latex - 3 (9%)
Leather - 13 (39%)
None - keep her naked! - 11 (33%)

My top three choices are lace, fishnet, and leather. Until very recently, I wouldn't have said fishnet, but I bought this cute little fishnet top a month or so ago and I think it's so much fun. There aren't a whole lot of places that it would be very appropriate to wear it, but I'm thinking it could be fun for a kinky evening at home, or something like that. I also really love lace panties and leather corsets. I have tons of lacey things, but very few leather items. Perhaps I need to buy some new stuff...

I'll Be Your Slave

2010-06-27T16:40:00.000-04:00

A friend sent me a link to this test that supposedly tells you what kind of submissive you are. Not sure how very scientific or accurate it is, but it was tons of fun to take... the questions got me all squirmy thinking about how fun it would be to actually get to do them. ;) Here were my results:

Slave

You scored 20% Humiliation, 67% Submissiveness, 71% Service, and 42% Pain!

You're a slave, you scored high in both submissiveness and service, you probably want to be owned by someone, you feel the need to relinquish your power over to someone else and to service him. You are the ideal partner for 24/7 Owner/slave relationships, whether you like or dislike pain is a matter of taste, hence with humiliation, but I would bet that the chances are you enjoy them sometimes but the most important thing is whether your Dom will enjoy doing those things to you.

Why Do I Want It?

2010-06-26T14:38:00.001-04:00

So, this morning I was talking with my friend who's in town visiting for the weekend. She's one of the few people I know who I feel fairly comfortable sharing some of the most private details of my life with.

We talked about my desire to experiment and find a fulfilling D/s relationship. And why I might be drawn to relationship like that. I know that a lot of people seem to say that it's just a matter of who you are. That what you want is just what you want. But I have to wonder how much influence a person's upbringing and past has on the types of things they crave and want out of life.

Who knows what I might have been like had I not lived the life I've lived? It's kinda pointless to even think about. But I do like the idea of trying to figure out why I want the things I want. It seems to me that looking at my past might provide some clues. And together we came up with a few theories.

The one I think makes the most sense to me is that D/s at it's very core requires a great deal of trust from the people involved. As a submissive, I would need to be able to really really trust my Dominant. Since I can't exactly say that I'm a very trusting person or that I've ever trusted anyone completely, I think that the idea of being able to actually do so is probably what I find most attractive about the whole D/s dynamic.

Well... that and all the kinky fun sexy stuff too. ;)

Looking Back

2010-06-24T11:36:00.003-04:00

A very close friend of mine will be coming to visit me this weekend. She moved away a few years ago and it's been almost two years since I've seen her. We talk on the phone all the time, but it's just not the same as being together in person.

When I was seventeen, I moved out of my parents house. Well, technically, I ran away. Whatever. It was really tough. I lived in a car for a while, in several apartments with some really shady people, and even a little "tent city" for a while in Tampa. That was probably the worst.

I had saved up some money before I left, but it wouldn't have been possible for me to rent a place since I was a minor. But at least I could buy the essentials. So, it could have been a lot worse. Unfortunately, I didn't really have any family I could go to for help. And I was too scared to go to the police or anything like that, I thought they would just send me back to my father.

Then one day I met this woman, this wonderful woman, who helped me. I'd been staying at this apartment with quite a few people who were pretty scary. But honestly, it wasn't as scary to me as the thought of going home. I felt free for once. Looking back now, I know it was pretty risky. There was potential there, several times, for me to be seriously hurt. I guess I was lucky in a few ways. Anyway, she came by one afternoon to convince another guy to come with her to get some help. He'd been using drugs for a while and was pretty messed up. She took me with her too.

I stayed with her for a little while, until I turned eighteen. She helped me find a job and a place to stay. And she became like a mother and a best friend to me. She was more of a mother than my own had ever been.

I was thinking this morning that I've come such a long way since then. And I know I couldn't have done it without her. So, even though we don't get to see each other often, she's one of the few people I know I can always turn to, that I know I can trust. And I love seeing her. It should be a wonderful weekend. Probably one of the best I've had in a while.

The Higher The Better

2010-06-22T13:55:00.002-04:00

I was trying to decide what to write about today, since it's Turn-On Tuesday. And then I realized that I've yet to write about shoes. I'm a little shocked by that, since I'm practically obsessed with shoes. Specifically, high heels. I think they are so incredibly sexy. I just love them.

I own a ridiculous amount of shoes, many of those are heels that I never wear out in public. I get all weird about them getting messed up, especially in the Florida weather. You never know when a storm is just going to pop out of nowhere. So, quite a few pairs of my most favorite heels have never left the bedroom.

That's not to say that I don't wear them. I do, quite often. Especially when I'm masturbating. I wonder if any other women do that... just wear heels? I sure hope I'm not the only one. Then I'll feel a little weird about posting this. :/ Not enough to stop wearing them when I'm have a little alone time or anything, though. In fact, I think I'll go throw on a pair right now...

Defining Relationships

2010-06-21T20:19:00.000-04:00

I was thinking today about relationships I've been in and how they've progressed and changed over time. And while I realize that it's natural for relationships to evolve, sometimes I like a little constancy. But if that's not an option, I at least like to be able to define, in my own mind, where my relationships are at. I feel like it gives me a sense of security, or peace, or something... I just generally feel more comfortable knowing where I stand with someone.

What's unfortunate is that this desire of mine also often leads to confusion and disappointment. Sometimes when I discuss how I'm feeling about someone with that person, I end up realizing that we are on such very different pages. This seems to have happened quite often, especially over the last few months.

I wish I could let all that go, the need to classify and understand things in such concrete terms. Maybe it would make things easier. I wonder if others struggle with this too. I would think it would be common, but I guess I could be wrong. It just seems to me like no matter what kind of relationship you can think of, there are roles and expectations. Parent/child, husband/wife, Dom/sub, siblings, co-workers, friends, whatever. And even though these roles may change somewhat over time, having some clarification from the other person over what they really want out of the relationship is something I have a strong desire for.

But when we don't want the same things, it can be very disheartening.

To A Girl Like Me

2010-06-18T11:24:00.003-04:00

This post answers a formspring question. I'm thinking the answer will be fairly long and not so much related to the rest of the blog. Just thought I'd mention in case you want to skip it.

"I have BDD too and was looking for some advice on dealing with it. Therapy doesn't work and it's not getting better. What did you do?"

Okay, for starters, I'm sorry I didn't see your questions sooner. If I had I would have posted something immediately. I know you probably asked this question anonymously for a reason, but if you need someone to talk to, please please feel free to email me. :)

I think my BDD (Body Dysmorphic Disorder) issues started in my pre-teen years. I'd never liked my eyes because the color is sort of funky. But it got to the point where I couldn't stand to look at myself in the mirror, or any reflective surface really. I would do my best to avoid them. And I still do that to some degree. Definitely not as much of an issue as it used to be, but still a bit of one. I rarely look in the mirror. As I got older, some other "defects" also began to bother me. There are of course some other symptoms of BDD I've experienced, but the mirror avoidance is the one that's caused me the most problems in the past.

I was sexually abused for quite a few years, and I think that added to my self-image issues. I was in therapy for a long time to deal with a lot of that, and I truly think it helped. Sometimes it didn't feel that way at the time, sometimes I would leave therapy feeling worse than I had when I arrived. But slowly, over time, I became more capable of accepting what happened and framing it in my mind in such a way that my life no longer revolves entirely around thoughts of it all.

I don't know what you've been through that has led to your problems, but I'm assuming there is some kind of issue that you might need to address somehow. Talking helps... find someone to talk to. A therapist may be the best option but not everyone can manage that. A close friend, a family member. Maybe even writing in a journal. Get those thoughts out there. I find it helps me distance myself from it all, helps me put things in perspective.

I wish that I could tell you that I've overcome BDD, but unfortunately I just don't believe it works that way. I think it's something that you choose to deal with as best as you can. Sometimes it isn't always an easy choice. To be positive about things you don't feel positive about can be difficult. Sometimes I don't manage it. But most of the time I do. And I think you can too.

One last thing, a surprising number of people diagnosed with BDD have attempted suicide. Many have succeeded. I've known a few of them myself. I've considered it in the past, but I always knew there were people here who needed me. Even if I didn't want to go on for myself, I had to go on for them. If you feel like you are ready to give up, please see a doctor immediately. I'm sure there are many people who love and need you. Don't give up. Things will get better. I promise.

Trust Me

2010-06-17T04:08:00.001-04:00

I received an email from someone about my last post that got me thinking. This person mentioned that she thinks love isn't really a very common emotion for people to feel, especially if they aren't very trusting.

I don't know how trusting I am exactly, but I think I'm a fairly trusting person. If anything, I probably trust people too easily.

But I also don't think I've ever trusted anyone completely, as in I felt I could share absolutely anything with them, or trust them with every part of me.

And then I got to thinking... how would I know if I trusted someone completely? Not asking how to know if I could trust them, just how I would know if I did. I think there's definitely a distinction there. Because I seriously doubt you can ever know for sure that someone won't break your trust... I figure you just trust them because you think or feel that you can.

(It's late, so if I'm way off base here, feel free to comment and let me know.)

Anyhow, here's how I think I'll be able to know that I actually trust someone completely... I have this book, this journal. No one else has ever read it. I write in it on nights like tonight, when I wake up from nightmares about my father. It's full of some terrible memories and thoughts, so I guess it wouldn't be very nice to ask someone to read it. Maybe I never would actually ask, but if I felt like I could let someone read it, let them see it all, share it all with them, I think I would know that I must have found a way to trust that person completely. And I think that would be really cool.

Just Lust

2010-06-16T09:38:00.002-04:00

Grey stopped by this morning. We'd only spoken once since the punishment. I'm not angry with him, but I'm also not interested in trying to continue our relationship in the manner we had been trying to force. I don't think I can handle the type of D/s relationship he seems to need.

He said he loved me, that he was in love with me. He's said it before, I never know how to respond. I don't know if I really believe in love, to be honest. At least not romantic love. Platonic love makes sense to me, familial love as well. I'm quite sure I've felt those. But I don't know if I've ever been in love with someone romantically. I don't think I'm capable of that emotion. And it doesn't really bother me that I'm not.

I care about people a great deal, I may even love them somehow. Just not in that way. If I'm with someone sexually, it's because I care about them. I can't seem to be aroused by someone unless there's some emotion involved. But it's not love, it's never been romantic love. It's lust and a desire to make that person happy, that's all.

Still Horny

2010-06-15T18:12:00.000-04:00

So, I may be trying to be more vanilla for a little while. Kinda. Sorta. Whatever.

But I'm still horny and pretty much constantly thinking about sexual things, things I'd like to try. As I know I've mentioned before, I really want to play with candle wax. I haven't yet, which really bums me out. Maybe sometime soon? That would be cool.

I posted a poll on this topic last week and here are the results:

Have you ever played with candle wax?
Yes - 33%
No - 66%

Do you want to?
Yes - 76%
No - 23%

So, the majority of those who responded are interested in it too, which is totally awesome, in my opinion. If I ever get to find out what it's like for myself, I'll let you know how it goes. ;)

Deep Breath

2010-06-13T08:52:00.000-04:00

Thank you to everyone who has shown me support over the past few days... I think I'm going to start blogging some again. I'm not sure where this will all go, there's so much I need to work out. I would understand if some of you stopped following since the posts may be even more off-topic than usual for a while. :)

One of the biggest reasons I decided to keep writing on here is because it has actually been incredibly helpful at times to get alternative views on the things I write about. It also is (usually) helpful for me when people I know in real life who read my blog are able to get a better understanding of where I'm coming from by reading this. I guess I should probably just be able to talk to them, but it doesn't always work for me. It's like I know what I need to say, but when the moment comes to actually say it I find myself at a loss for words.

Someone specific reads this blog... I've mentioned him before. His name is Kyle, he's the chef I met at a party a while back. :) He called me yesterday after hearing about everything I'd been going through and reading my last post. He also just ended a pretty dysfunctional D/s relationship. This is going to sound horrible, but it made me feel so much better to know I'm not the only one who struggles with all this. He basically just ranted for about an hour. At the end, he suggested that we hang out and just do vanilla stuff... and it sounds like a great idea to me.

So, probably no talk of play parties or flogging adventures or public sexual encounters from me for a while. Until I figure out where I am, just me, I think it's best to slow it down a bit.

I'll probably still talk about my (excessive?) masturbation practices, because as you regular followers know... I'm pretty much always horny. :)

Again, thanks to all who've been supportive, either here on blogger or elsewhere. It has meant a great deal to me.

Crash & Burn

2010-06-09T21:16:00.001-04:00

Today has been pretty fucking awful. I managed to destroy three relationships in under three hours. Impressive, huh?

Grey was disappointed in me for several things, all things I've been doing wrong, rules I've broken. And he decided I needed to be punished.

I didn't so much agree with the punishment he picked, but I felt it was made pretty clear that if I did not comply, our relationship would be over.

So, I tried. I really fucking tried. But I just couldn't take it.

And so it's over now. I freaked out and made him leave.

And then Kelley came by. I guess he called her.

And I lost it with her too. I just told her everything I'd been holding back, how fucking frustrated I am with everything and how tired I am of trying so fucking hard all the damn time to make everyone happy.

Then, Birdie called quite a few times before I finally answered. I was at least calm enough by then to speak rationally, somewhat. But I told her I was done. With all of them.

I've seriously never felt more disgusted with myself than I do right now, and I promise you that's no small feat.

I don't think I'll be blogging for a while. But I'll still be around reading all of the wonderful blogs I follow.

At the moment, I can't even remember why I wanted to start blogging in the first place. But I'm pretty sure it wasn't so I'd have a detailed record of all of the ways I've fucked up.

Thank you for reading.

Let's Get It On

2010-06-08T22:14:00.004-04:00

Well, it's Turn-On Tuesday. The polls last week asked about sexual experiences with more than one person. I was a little surprised by how they turned out, apparently lots of you have been getting it on with lots of people. ;)

Results of the question regarding the most partners at one time:

None - I play alone - 1 (2%)
One - 14 (29%)
Two - 15 (31%)
Three - 8 (16%)
Four or more - 10 (20%)

As far as the question asking about various combinations, most of you were at least turned on my the idea of the following:

Threesomes - 44 (84%)
Foursomes - 26 (50%)
Orgy With Five+ People - 23 (44%)
No, ewww! - 6 (11%)

I've personally only done threesomes so far, no foursomes or higher. I think I might be interested in trying a foursome, under the right circumstances, with the right people. But I doubt I'll ever be participating in any wild-orgy-group-sex thing. I think I'd start losing my focus. Sometimes being with two other people can be a tad overwhelming for me. :)

The new polls are about something I might get to try this weekend. ;)

Whip It

2010-06-07T20:56:00.001-04:00

Hm, the party. I had a pretty good night on Saturday, but I'm still having trouble getting my thoughts together enough to put it all down in writing. So, I thought I'd just focus on one aspect of the evening that I found intriguing. And then maybe write more about it some other time.

One of the couples playing did a scene involving whips. The Dom switched around with a couple of different implements, but I'm pretty sure they were all just variations of whips. The way it was set up, I couldn't really see the sub's face. But from the sounds she was making it sure seemed like she was in quite a bit of pain. And for some reason, it just really got to me. While it was fascinating to watch, I really just wanted to go over there and stop him from hurting her. Which seemed a little random, since I don't normally have a problem watching Kelley do all kinds of painful things. And I know she was consenting, it's not like she was being abused.

But I just really really wanted to step in. And Grey noticed, because he kept repeating in my ear that she was fine, that she'd done this many times before, that she would safeword if she couldn't handle it. And that helped some, but not completely. It was just really hard to watch. I still can't pinpoint exactly why it bothered me so much.

I even talked to her a while later, after the scene, and she was in a surprisingly chipper mood for someone who'd just been through something like that. I wish I knew why this experience seemed so different to me. And I wonder what goes through other people's minds as they watch things like that. Were they thinking the same things I was? Were they wishing it was them? Were they turned on? Grossed out? Dissecting the Dom's skills? Judging the sub's reactions?

It was intense, even just watching. But I'm pretty sure public scening like that is not for me. :)

Birthday Birdie

2010-06-06T20:34:00.004-04:00

Last night, we all went to a play party... it was held at Grey's house, in honor of Birdie's birthday. Kelley went there early to help set things up. So, Birdie and I were able to have a little alone time. We went out to dinner, and it was actually a ton of fun. And quite romantic. I'd really missed spending time with her alone. It's not that I don't like having Kelley around or anything like that. But for so many years now, Birdie and I have had our little 'girls nights', just the two of us. And these pasts few months that just hasn't happened much at all. It was a super great start to the evening.

There's plenty more to talk about regarding the rest of the night, but if you've been reading along for any length of time, you know I generally need some time to process it all before I can even begin to think about writing about it all. It was definitely an interesting night, though. Saw many things I'd never seen before, and met lots of fun new people. Will write more tomorrow...

Party Time

2010-06-05T17:43:00.001-04:00

Birdie will be here soon. We're going out to dinner to celebrate her birthday and then to a party at Grey's. I'm pretty excited, but also a little nervous. It sounds like this will be the largest "play party" I've ever been to, if everyone (or even half) of the people he invited show up.

Something crossed my mind a few minutes ago that had me giggling... just last year I remember being slightly hurt that I wasn't invited to Birdie's birthday party. It was at their house, if I remember correctly. Kelley was planning it and it sounded like she had put a lot of time into organizing it all. But now I'm thinking that if I had been invited and shown up to a play party then, I might have fainted.

What a difference a year makes. :)

"Collar"

2010-06-04T11:07:00.001-04:00

formspring question for today...

Does Grey make you wear a collar?

I wouldn't say he makes me, but he did give me "collar" if that's what you want to call it. That's what he calls it. So, I guess it is. :/ Our relationship is still a little confuzzling to me since we don't do anything sexual exactly, even though he's seen me doing sexual things. Oh, I don't know, I can't explain it.

Back to the question... it's actually a cute little ring, with eleven stones (he knows how much I love the number eleven)... six pink sapphires and five diamonds. I like it. :)

Because He Said So

2010-06-02T14:44:00.002-04:00

Ugh. So, I don't think I've mentioned this before, but Grey's decided that he's going to give me a little assignment each week. Last week, I had to have that check-up. I kinda fought him on the whole thing, which did not please him.

This week he has asked me to post my stats... height, weight, all that... here, on the blog. I'm kinda pissed about it. I didn't even know he actually ever read the blog. And I really don't see the point of posting the numbers. Because I doubt anyone wants to know that shit. Wouldn't you rather read about masturbation, or fucking, or something sexual?

But I don't want to disappoint him again. So here goes...

Age: 27

Height: 5'4"

Current Weight: 129

Goal Weight (mine): 111

Grey's Minimum Allowed: 120

The current weight listed above is actually from Sunday. He won't give me my damn scale back, so I don't know how much I weigh at this very moment, but that's close enough I suppose.

*sighs* I need an orgasm.

Turn-On Tuesdays

2010-06-01T08:33:00.001-04:00

I thought I'd start a new tradition on the blog... Turn-On Tuesdays. Each week, I'll be talking about something that turns me on. There's a ridiculous amount of things that turn me on, so it may be hard to pick just one each week. :)

I'll be posting a new poll or two each Tuesday about the topic I'll be writing about the following week. I actually got the idea from this blog, new polls are posted each Friday... I always look forward to them. You should check it out if you haven't already.

The last poll I posted asked about the frequency of orgasms. The answer choices available made respondents pick between choices that may or may not have actually been completely accurate for them. But I thought it would be interesting to use the same answer choices that I did when I asked the weighing question a while back. *shrugs*

I'm happy to report that most of the respondents of this last poll are having lots and lots of orgasms. For those who aren't, I hope that you'll be having more soon.

Results of the last poll:

How often do you have an orgasm?

Never - 8%

Once a year - 2%

Once a month - 10%

Once a week - 24%

Once a day - 29%

More than once a day - 24%

Missing Sparks

2010-05-31T20:26:00.000-04:00

Well, it turned out to be a pretty lazy day around here. But it was definitely nice to get a little break from work. Grey and I talked for a while and I think we have a sort of plan in place regarding the dieting. But really, we'll just have to see how things go, how I feel as we start changing things.

Birdie and I also spent some time talking this afternoon about our relationship. With so much going on lately, we haven't been spending nearly as much time alone together as we used to. So, I think we're going to try to remedy that. And maybe plan a date for this upcoming weekend. Could be fun. ;)

Mixing It Up

2010-05-30T10:22:00.000-04:00

Tomorrow is Memorial Day, so no work for me! Yay! Plans for tonight and tomorrow are still up in the air, but it looks like I'll be going to Grey's for the evening, and then we'll all be heading out to the beach tomorrow... me, him, his wife, his sub, a few of their friends, Birdie, Kelley, and a couple of my "vanilla" friends. I think this will be the first time we've gotten such a large, mixed group together.

Quite a while back, I think I mentioned one of my closest friends who was pretty upset when she found out about what I've been up to with Birdie & Kelley. She'll be there tomorrow. She seems to be coming around a bit though. She doesn't know too much about my relationships, but she appears to be at least attempting to be supportive. :)

I'm hoping it will turn out to be a fun holiday... and I hope you have a great one too!

Promiscuous Girl?

2010-05-29T12:21:00.002-04:00

The appointment didn't go so very great yesterday. :( I guess that's not much of a shocker. If you have ed and you tell your doctor you're going to start fasting again, you're most likely going to get a pretty negative response.

They had about a million other suggestions for things I should try, besides restricting my diet in any way. And I do understand the concern. But, in the end, it's my (or Grey's?) decision. We still need to talk some more about it all before we move forward.

We actually got quite far off-topic at the appointment, in my opinion. My docs were both extremely concerned with my "promiscuous behaviors" as of late. :/

If you've been following the blog, you know that I've been with a total of four people in my life. Granted, three of those relationships began in the past six months. But I still don't think I'm being promiscuous. At least, not in a negative way. But they obviously think so.

I guess I don't really know what to think at this point.

Seven

2010-05-28T03:43:00.033-04:00

It's Friday, who's ready for a long weekend?

Today's question is...

"Can you tell us seven things we don't know about you?"

Well, I can try. :)

~~~~~~~~~~~

1. I own over 250 pairs of shoes. (I know. It's ridiculous.)

2. I am incredibly turned on by the idea of casual sex/play but am almost certain that I couldn't handle it emotionally.

3. Punctuality is extremely important to me. The only thing that annoys me more than other people being late is when I'm late myself. (Which is very rare.)

4. Almost every Sunday, I consider going to mass and then decide not to go.

5. I absolutely love head/scalp massages... both giving and receiving.

6. I have a strange obsession with the number eleven. This obsession manifests itself in all kinds of odd ways... and I really have no idea when or why it started.

7. About once a week, I consider deleting this blog.

Candidness

2010-05-27T23:47:00.014-04:00

So, I have an appointment coming up with the therapist and the doctor I've been seeing for the past seven years. They've helped me a great deal with the eating disorder and bdd issues I've had. Grey thinks I need to be completely honest with them about what I've been thinking about doing regarding all of my diet plans. I'm pretty sure they won't be pleased. But I guess there's really no point in hiding what I'm thinking, what I want to do. He'll be going with me, in case I need any support. I'm pretty nervous about the whole thing. My last few visits haven't gone very well. So I don't have very high hopes for this one...

Let's Get Physical

2010-05-26T16:44:00.001-04:00

The last poll I posted asked the question "How often do you weigh yourself?" I wasn't all that surprised with the results... the most commonly picked answer was "daily." The distribution of answers were as follows:

Never - 7 votes (15%)
Once a year - 3 votes (6%)
Once a month - 6 votes (13%)
Once a week - 7 votes (15%)
Once a day - 17 votes (36%)
More than once a day - 6 votes (13%)

I was weighed this morning (and poked and prodded and examined) but I don't know exactly how much I weigh now. Wasn't allowed to find out. But Grey decided that before we move forward with any diet changes or possible fasting plans that I would need to have a complete physical. Although the results of the blood work won't be back for a bit, I was otherwise given a clean bill of health. So, I guess that's good news. :)

I'd still like to know how much I weigh, but for now I've managed to refrain from buying a new scale... I'm really hoping that Grey will let me know what the number is soon. Just really curious. :/

Counting

2010-05-21T04:11:00.026-04:00

formspring Friday is here yet again... I don't know about you but I am so ready for the weekend.

Anyhow, I'm up and so I thought I'd go ahead and post. Today's question is...

"How many sexual partners have you had?"

Four.

Guess I could just end it there and let this be my shortest post ever. But I'll go ahead and talk a bit about the four. My first sexual relationship was with a man I met while working on my undergrad degree. There haven't been any other men. But there has been Birdie, Kelley, and Kat all this year.

Someone also asked the question "Are you a lesbian?" And since I don't really want to answer that question separately, I'll answer it here.... Nope, not a lesbian. I guess I'm bisexual? I think women are very beautiful and I love to love them. But I also really enjoy the company of men. And I think I'd really like to have a deeper (read: sexual) relationship with a man if the right one were to come along. As it is, the people I've felt connections to and been physical with lately have just happened to be female. :)

~~~~~~~~~~~

Update on the flavor experiment: Will be meeting up again with Kelley and Birdie tonight. Been downing quite a bit of pineapple juice. I'll let you know how it goes.

Happy Friday!

Results Are In?

2010-05-18T14:49:00.000-04:00

About a week or so ago, I posted a poll on the blog asking... "Do you think someone with a history of ednos can safely fast and/or severely restrict for a short time without 'relapsing'?" 24% said yes, 46% said maybe, and 36% said no. I guess there really wasn't a consensus among those who voted.

I still think it's possible for me to try a more restrictive diet without truly relapsing, especially now that I know how much I weigh. I could plan, and track any fluctuations. I thought about posting exactly how much I want to lose, but I'm not so very comfortable doing that.

I've seen quite a few blogs where people actually post their low, current, and high weights. But I'm thinking maybe they truly blog anonymously? Because I just can't imagine revealing my weight to some of the people who I know read this blog. (Specifically the two women I'm dating right now.)

It's so weird sometimes, because I generally write my blog posts as if no one reads them. Almost like I'm talking to myself. And so it can be strange at times when someone calls and asks me about something I wrote. It's not that it really bothers me, exactly, it's just feels a bit odd.

Anyway, I kinda got off topic. I think I am going to try to lose a few pounds. It's my body, after all. Grey is actually going to be helping me out a bit. (I've mentioned him on the blog a few times before. He doesn't have a whole lot of experience with ED, but he is an MD, so I think he's more than qualified to supervise the plans I'm working on.)

Birdie pretty much put her foot and told me that if I didn't talk to someone about what I'm planning that things between us would become very tense. So, to appease her I agreed to working with Grey. I'm really not sure what he's going to be getting out of all this... but I do appreciate it. We've actually gotten surprisingly close over the past month or so, he's very easy to talk to. And for those of you who emailed me with concerns, I do in fact have a doctor's appointment next week. Grey's coming along for moral support, should be interesting. :/

Incidentally, he stole my scale last night. :(

Posted a new poll... I guess now I'm just being nosy, but I'm very curious about how often others weigh themselves.

Lessons Learned, Maybe

2010-05-16T17:23:00.001-04:00

I got a chance to speak with Kelley alone this afternoon. It sounds like her "punishment" yesterday was more of a lesson in how to submit or follow instructions. But Kell said she actually would have preferred some physical sort of punishment to spending the day doing the things she had to do. (I had pretty much assumed that it would be physical punishment... but I guess it makes sense that most of those options wouldn't really be "punishments" since Kelley enjoys them.)

If you've been following along, Kelley and Birdie formalized their D/s arrangement just over a week ago. And they've had quite a few issues pop up that they've needed to work through. Birdie knew that spending the day having to obey any and all requests from her (and a few others who were invited over to help) would be very difficult for Kelley. Which it was... Kelley really isn't the most submissive person in the world. But she thinks she can be with Birdie, and she also thinks she wants to keep trying. Even though the past week hasn't been easy on either of them. (She even said she thought the day was helpful for her because it made her realize how careful Birdie is about making sure that Kell enjoys following most of the rules that have been set in place.)

I'm not really sure what will come of the whole thing...whether they will be able to make the D/s aspect of their relationship work or not. But seeing them together Saturday night, it was pretty obvious that they are still very much in love... I feel certain things will somehow work out for the best.

Um, Sorry?

2010-05-15T10:19:00.001-04:00

So, Kelley is going to be receiving her first major punishment today...partially for her visit over here earlier this week and partially for some other infractions. I'm not sure exactly what Birdie has in mind, but I'm thinking it's going to be pretty brutal.

We're actually supposed to get together tonight, the three of us. But Birdie called to let me know that Kelley may not feel up to it, that it might just be the two of us. Yikes. Kelley's quite a pain slut, so I can't even imagine what is in store for her if it's really something she may not be able to handle. :/

Birdie said not to worry, and I know she would never do anything to really hurt Kell. But I sure am curious about what they'll be up to... I think Birdie would probably tell me, but I haven't asked. Maybe it's better not to know.